Drawing has always helped Christie Begnell. In fact, five years ago, when Christie was 20 and began to develop an eating disorder (ED), it was drawing that saved her. What she didn’t realise at the time, was that her drawings would end up helping hundreds of other ED sufferers too.
“I had a visualisation of my eating disorder – the Ana monster,” says Christie, referring to the bony, demon-eyed woman that haunts her pictures. “Throughout my illness, I’d draw her in different ways. When I was feeling confident, I’d draw a picture of me making fun of her and she’d be dressed up like a clown. When I had really bad days, she’d be sitting on a throne.”
In May 2016, during a month-long stay in a psychiatric ward, her drawings took on more significance. “It was a way of showing my mum what was going on – but also a way of dealing with every emotion that came up,” Christie says. “From then on it was my recovery. I started drawing constantly.”
A few months later, a therapist saw Christie’s drawings and suggested she write a book. The result was Me and My ED, which she followed up with, How to Love Yourself in 10 Easy Steps).
She uses her Instagram account (where she currently has over 22,000 followers) to campaign for body positivity and to promote better understanding of eating disorders. She’s also working with the mental health charity PHAMS, and training as a psychologist specialising in eating disorders.
Oh, and she’s published a third book, S**t I Wish They Taught Me in School, about the lessons she’s learned from her struggles. She shared a few of the illustrations featured in this book with us.
“The diet industry wants you to give them money in return for a false promise of happiness. That’s what the treadmill represents – constantly running towards their promises but never quite catching them”.
“My eating disorder was triggered because I was depressed and unwell so I gained a bit of weight. I started counting calories and then it became an obsession and it was all influenced by that diet culture”.
“Just going to the supermarket, you’re faced with magazine headlines like ‘So-and-so lost 20kg and looks amazing! Read how she did it!’. That prompts conversations with friends and family, and eventually you start hearing yourself saying, ‘I wish I could lose 20kg and look great like her'”.
“Now I’m in recovery it’s really hard to accept that everybody talks about losing weight and dieting as if it’s normal. It’s constantly in your face. Every day. Especially with technology. The ‘Explore’ section on Instagram often suggests fitspo pictures to members of the body positivity community. And you’ve also got calorie-counting apps sending you reminders after every meal: ‘log your intake’. That’s not normal.”
“I often hear women saying, ‘I feel fat’. When I say things like that, my psychiatrist will jump on me and say, ‘Christie, that’s not a feeling, that’s just a thought. You have to label your feelings.’ So I drew this as a way of helping me to stop and think, ‘what am I feeling?’. I hope it shows people that when they say they ‘feel fat’, there’s an emotion underneath and it’s important to find out what that emotion is.
“This picture’s been reposted a lot and people have told me it’s helped them think in a different way. I’ve had people tell me they’re using the wheel with their therapists and psychiatrists. And I’ve had a therapist tell me she’s already seeing an improvement with the clients she shares it with. I sometimes think I should print it out and stick it on my forehead, the amount of times I talk about it with people.”
“There’s this idea that they’re female illnesses, so not as many men speak up about their experiences. Plus, some of the behaviour that men with EDs can display is accepted as normal by society. For example, orthorexia is an obsession with exercise and clean eating, which I’d bet is fairly common among personal trainers, weightlifters and gym junkies.”
“This picture was what it felt like for me to restore weight. Being emaciated and tubed is the ideal body in an anorexic mindset. You almost feel like a winner. The second position represents someone who’s fit and ‘healthy’ and the third position was what my body was doing as I regained weight – it was softer, not toned and it made me feel like a failure”.
“There’s competitiveness with eating disorders, which nobody wants to say out loud because it makes you sound like an awful person. ‘I want to be sicker than you’ just sounds strange. But it’s more like, ‘if I’m thinner than you then I deserve to be here.’ Part of you wants to go into hospital because it validates your illness. When I was an in-patient I wasn’t the thinnest person there and my ED thoughts were going ‘you don’t deserve to be here, you’re not even sick.'”
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